18 Apr

I call it Weaving maid because I still had the thought of becoming a clothes designer. However, the thought may change sometimes. I sway and do not think I wish to become one. However the name is also suitable for a life weaver isn't it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recently I feel rather down. Why my spirit is so low and full of sin. I just felt God is not pleased with me maybe. Is it because the Ma Ke Lou is not running any more? It is really hard to resume again. Once it is stopped. Only tears and sorry. I believe God can do bigger things. Recently a lot of black things around me. Sometimes it is my husband, he really like being trapped by devil. Not having good temper and also very mean. Not spiritual at all. I wish he can be nurtured in a good fellowship but still he refuse to go to one. I am not sure why Seng Kang Methodist give me a bad impression but I just cannot bear with it for long i think. I felt bad when they clap the hands and also think not much spiritual food are there. Although I learnt to be humble yesterday, I still felt a bit uncomfortable. I worry about Tao Ming also. He will not get much spiritual food and be nurtured if continue to stay there for long. I really hope he can change to another spiritually "rich" church, but it seems to be impossible. He is just too hard. I also fell down and down recently. I like to watch drama and my job also experience many difficulties. Students became very noisy although many of them are still obedient. Moreover I was infected by my son and caught a cold. When I ate at waterway point and got Da Yi Ma, I got stomach flu also. And this made me very down spiritually. I don't know why it got connection, but really when I was in poor health I also feel down spiritually. I felt God is not pleased with me and He is like away from me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hopefully this kind of situation will change soon. Tao Ming is not with me. I felt so bad when my marriage life is so unsmooth. It is really a bad feeling to live with a pharaoh-like husband; but I also did not do well. I really feel down. In this kind of dilemma. Indeed I am quite contradictive; I felt I am responsible for the bad marriage life and also felt he is the one who are responsible. It seems he did not think anything although in such a situation. But I really feel very bad know. luckily my son seems to live very happily still. without noticing this hidden change underneath everyday happiness. I wish he will never notice. My heart really feel away from my husband. So far away. But It seems he did not notice this. He also did not say anything or do any change. Also did not talk to me. I felt I don't like him. What is the meaning of two person living together but no relationship? I wish this could change. My spirit feel troubled and i believe this also affect my spiritual life. I am leading such a flock of "ghost" students, and this one "ghost" husband. I am praying but praying seems so weak. Many are concerning about me and praying for me, sister Li Ying, Mrs Fang, Chunyu, Feng Jiao... But still the situation is too bad for me. I am wondering when I can feel better; when I could feel eased; when I could regain the happiness and harmony. I wish my students will all follow me and I really wish them do not be naughty and mischievous again... It is so bad to break the relationship with students though. Hopefully Mr Elvin talked to them and this can be resolved soon. Hopefully they can begin to do work again. God please help. Please also change Tao Ming, save him from the hand of the devil please.